2022 in Reflection
Boy, 2022 was one hell of a ride. I don’t think it can be wrapped up into just one emotion or experience but overall I feel incredibly grateful for the highs and lows that have made me into exactly who I am today. My friend Melina has said something a couple of times this year that has really stuck with me, “Things don’t happen to us, but instead for us.” It’s a beautiful way to see the uncontrollable. Without being able to put it into words I feel like this is a mindset I adopted a few years ago. Every time something unfortunate would happen, I would take a moment to feel the pain or loss and then when I could, I would laugh through the pain before saying, “Someday I’ll write about this in my book.” It was my way of accepting my circumstances and knowing that I would be able to take something away from facing that adversity. I am always looking for how I can grow and become better despite a painful circumstance. If nothing else, I see it as a way I can better relate to other people. I think pain grows empathy more than any other emotion... I guess 2022 was my year to become an even deeper empath. 😂
Okay, okay, I am mostly kidding about that last sentence but I do want to be vulnerable and share some behind the scenes with you guys on this blog post. Social media is so fun and one of the ways I get to connect with each of you. But I do use it as a highlight reel but not with the intention of fooling anyone. I am typically the kind of person who copes in private. If I am struggling or going through something, it isn’t my nature to want to share it with others until I fully understand it myself. I also think that I am in such a wonderful place in my life that using social media to share too much about my personal struggles could be misconstrued as ungrateful for all the good that I do have. That’s why I feel like this blog is so important. It’s a place I can share more intimate details about my life with you guys, without having to worry about feeling judged or seeking validation. It’s just a place to share my heart! I genuinely want this to be a place for us all to share experiences and realize we aren’t alone. Head over to the facebook group for a discussion on what 2022 has taught us!
I wanted to share some of my favorite memories from this year and also give insight as to what was really going on in my heart and head.
At the beginning of the year, I was awaiting the premier of the Bachelor. I imagined heading into the premiere being a much different feeling than it turned out to be and if you’ve seen the season, you probably understand why I was a little anxious leading into the premiere of the show. That being said, I’m not one to let fear stop me from enjoying my life in the meantime. My mom always says, “Cross that bridge when you get there.” I posted a few Tiktok’s in January hyping up the show and somewhat introducing myself virtually to the audience:
What people didn’t see is that 2021 was my first year as a videographer outside of my old corporate job and by that I mean I also was also a waitress at two different places, worked part time at a Hilton and was also taking odd jobs when needed. I left corporate originally in 2020 and my business failed because not a single wedding took place that year. So 2021 was my first year running my business with actual weddings. When I left to go on the show, I had just enough money in my checking account to pay for all of my bills in the case that I stayed the entirety of the filming process. Leaving for two months to film an unpaid TV show was certainly frightening as a first year business owner but I am never one to turn down an adventure.
The second I got home from the show, I started picking up shifts at Chick’s Oyster Bar where I worked part time. As most wedding vendors know, winter is the slow season and my first wedding of 2022 wasn’t until March, which meant I didn’t have another paycheck from my business coming until then. So it was up to me to hustle to make ends meet in the meantime. Leaving to meet up with Clayton for Happy Couple Weekends as we figured out the status of our relationship took a toll on me financially. This is one of the topics that don’t normally get discussed when you come off the show, or maybe people just assume you come from a family that financially supports this unique lifestyle for the time being. My reality is that this was a big risk, I was nervous about being able to pay my bills at times. Hence, the second I touched down back in Virginia, I was back to work and hustling once again on that starving artist grind.
I wanted to share a couple videos from my time at Chick’s. I worked here through the summer of 2022. Even though I didn’t need the side hustle to get by after the wedding season picked up, I genuinely just loved working there. I remember when I first came through the front door to apply for a job as a waitress at 27. Having come from a corporate job in pharmaceutical marketing, with a guaranteed paycheck every two weeks, this was quite a humbling experience. I knew I would never be able to get my business off the ground with the workload of my old job. Changing my career at 27 and deciding to become an entrepreneur showed me just how much I was willing to endure to see my dream come to life. The people there have made such a positive impact on my life. Plus it’s one of the best spots you can hang out in Virginia Beach. So whether it was opening or closing shift, the views were incredible.
As the weeks continued, I remember continuing to have fun with social media content. I tried to keep myself entertained and find creative ways to express myself and poke fun of myself appearing in the show.
Despite the fun I was having, I remember at this time struggling with pretty bad anxiety in my day to day. I think I was just anticipating the ending of the show coming up and didn’t quite know how it was going to unfold for us. One thing I felt for sure, people were not going to be happy with Clayton and I rekindling our relationship. I was starting to avoid people more and more as others started to feel very comfortable sharing their opinions with me about the show, Clayton, or their belief on what they think took place. I went from having watch parties with friends at bars, to avoiding watching the show with anyone except my very best friends or completely by myself.
Clayton and I were in full incognito mode. I have literally NEVER had to be in a secret relationship before in my life and to say it goes without challenging is certainly not the truth. Despite watching your boyfriend fall in love with other people on TV,, 😂 we actually had a lot of fun getting to know each other during these little safe house visits. I remember a very special conversation we had at the beginning when we were still trying to figure out if this was something we wanted to pursue, and seeing a glimpse of how wonderful Clayton’s heart truly was. It’s quite a unique experience to start a relationship with someone in such unusual circumstances but we found ways to make it beautiful and special to us.
Then it was the big reveal. Clayton and I both were trudging through emotional turmoil at the time of the finale but the beautiful part of it all is that it finally meant freedom from this secret. As you all know we weren’t met with the most welcoming response to our relationship announcement but I was determined to once again see how I could grow and become stronger through it. One thing about me is that I am not going to let public opinion convince me to do or be anything that I am not. I knew in my heart that it was the right thing to stand by Clayton as a partner and a person through what was one of the most challenging experiences either of us have been through. I knew Clayton needed me and I loved him so much that I was determined to help us both show the world our hearts. I started sharing funny videos of us and our relationship. These snippets and insights into our relationship started to turn the tide little by little. I think sometimes reality TV can dehumanize individuals, people see us as characters and sometimes villains rather than real people. I looked at sharing our love and relationship with the internet as just filling in the blanks that the show seemed to leave out.
I have to give a shout out to one of my good friends, Tay. He was an old friend from college that wound up in Virginia a couple years ago. We've been roommates for the past two years. We both lived in Virginia Beach and he has been a voice of reason through a lot of the overwhelming experiences that came from the Bachelor. He loves to keep me humble and bring me back to reality when I let myself get a little too big for my britches. There were times that it felt like the weight of the world was coming down on me and he loved to remind me that the Bachelor world is a very small fraction of people that actually exist in the world. One time I came to him and said, “Everyone is saying ___.” (Fill in the blank with whatever dramatic take someone had about me that week.) He said, “Who is everyone?” I was like, “Everyone on twitter and IG.” I was stressed and deeply anxious and then he pulled up his instagram and showed me as he took one scroll through his home page and said very coyly in his New Zealand accent, “I’m not trying to be an ass hole, but not one of my friends is talking about you.” We started laughing and I knew at that moment it was his way of telling me the world does not revolve around me or The Bachelor. Although MY explore pages/twitter feed may be exploding with whatever hot take someone has about me, normal people that don’t follow the show have no context of what is going on and a majority of people I will meet in my life will not have a preconceived belief about who I am based on a narrative shown on television. It was a good reminder that no matter how big our problems may be in our universe, with a little bit of perspective we can remind ourselves that nothing is usually as big as we make it out to be in our heads.
Pretty soon wedding season picked up and I was traveling all around Virginia for work. I am so beyond grateful because although I had a season full of wedding work in Virginia, the show brought interest to my business from a much wider audience and I was given the opportunity to travel for wedding videography. I saw some pretty incredible places and got to meet some wonderful people. I was getting a taste of the travel wedding work and I loved what I experienced! I started to feel empowered to branch out into new interests and styles of photography and videography. I always saw my video business as a way to pay my bills and feel fulfilled through the work that I do. This year I have felt totally empowered by what I believe my business can become. I see it as a career path in a new light, where I used to see it as a job. I now can see it taking me all over the country and even the world. I feel inspired to find new ways to share others’ stories through film and I am feeling entirely grateful.
I can’t begin to tell you guys how exciting it is to have this new found inspiration and belief in myself to pursue video and photography in a way I never saw for myself before. So much so that I decided that come January 2023, I am going to move to LA and try to make it something bigger than it already is. I decided I would make the move a few months ago but after my break up with Clayton, I felt it would be best for me personally to stay with family through the holidays in Virginia and give myself a fresh start in January 2023 in a new city with new goals.
Although I’m incredibly excited to move to a new city in 2023, I can’t even describe how special it has been to be home in Virginia the last couple of years. I spent a vast majority of my young adult life far away from home. I went to college across the country, I lived in Tokyo for a few years, worked on a travel team during my time in corporate and after a while, Virginia stopped feeling like my home base and more like a place I stopped in to catch up with my family. So being with family in my actual home-town these last few months of the year has served me wonderfully in ways I will cherish for the rest of my life.
You see, until my nephew, Tommy, was born just a couple years ago, I was never entirely sure if I wanted children of my own. Being so close to home for the first couple years of his life and now my niece Saylor, has opened my mind and heart entirely to the idea of being a mom someday. These past three months specifically staying at my parent’s home has allowed me to have so much time with my parents, siblings and niece and nephew who all live within about 15 minutes of each other. I got to spend time with my niece and nephew about 3 times a week. I remember the first time my nephew called out my name when he saw me and came running into my arms! The times my niece falls down and looks to me to be the one to console her. It’s love at its purest form and it’s something I feel lucky to experience first hand. Being a part of their life has been one of the greatest gifts in this life.. At some point watching them grow and develop, my heart and mind has shifted and now I truly hope that someday I will be lucky enough to have a family of my own.
As I mentioned at the beginning of this, there is no way this year can be wrapped into one emotion or experience. Although I tried to touch on some of the major points of my life in 2022, there is still so much I am experiencing and growing through as a head into 2023. I am feeling very ambitious and optimistic heading into this new year that my business will continue to evolve and become something I can pour into. I am excited to share with you all my adventures as I take on LA and continue to grow this community with each of you. Drop a comment below what you would like to see more of on the blog in 2023!
Let’s inspire each other.
My goal is to create a space where we can connect, share stories, make new friends, find advice and grow together.
