Week of Self Love
Full disclaimer, I fully intended to do a blog post about self love this week but based on where I am at personally, it turned into something a little more personal. Although my transition to LA has been really fun and has been filled with non-stop catching up with friends, at times it has felt lonely as well. There have been times that I’ve felt a little discouraged about my love life lately as well. So last night when I sat down to write a little something about self-love for the blog, I actually found myself feeling exhausted, lonely and a little homesick. I put my laptop away and took to journaling instead of blogging. I chose to stretch on my yoga mat, meditate, and write in my journal instead of work and honestly, that in itself was an act of self love.
After writing in my journal about what I was really feeling, it got me thinking about relationships in general. I remember hearing something years ago from a relationship expert that explained how people constantly exclaim they are ready to be in a relationship, yet their closet is filled to the brim and there isn’t a single dresser drawer empty for someone else to leave a few items. This example really stuck with me over the years. The point wasn’t that you can’t simply clean out your closet/drawers to make room for someone else when the time comes but instead living your life prepared for when the right person appears before your eyes. It’s kind of like the mentality of dressing for the job you want, not the one you have.
This metaphor about the closet space applied to our head and heart has guided me over the years in preparation to being a good partner and the best version of myself. I also think it has given me permission to not feel guilty for not moving forward with potential partners who emotionally don’t have space for a relationship in their drawer (lol okay, am I taking the metaphor too far?). This understanding that you need space and capacity to nurture a relationship is so powerful. It has allowed me to acknowledge the times in my life when I didn’t have the emotional availability to nurture a relationship. AKA - I was emotionally unavailable. It has also given me empathy to understand it’s not necessarily personal when someone I like isn’t emotionally available themselves.
I love the saying, “If he wanted to, he would.” I believe it to be so true and powerful. I also think it’s possible that he may want to, but he can’t. Both can be true and to me, neither of those things warrant a negative response to someone who is emotionally unavailable or not interested. But in my humble opinion, both warrant a step back and realization that this is not a person to clear space for in my closet. I feel strongly that picking a partner is one of the most important decisions we make in this life and we should never pour energy into someone that is showing signs that they are emotionally unavailable at the beginning of a relationship.
Recognizing patterns and signs within yourself and potential partners is a great way to know if you are really ready for a committed relationship or if it’s time to take a step back. I try to be the first to admit when I am not in a healthy place to start a relationship and my hope is that others are also upfront with me about that as well. That being said, here are my three personal favorites from Psychologytoday.com on their How to Tell You’re Ready for a Serious Relationship article.
1. Chaos is a turn off, not a turn on.
This is actually making me think of Zach from the Bachelor right now! If you’re watching this season, it’s obvious that he is not down with the drama. The moment a contestant starts stirring up trouble in paradise, he walks them to the big black SUV. I think this is such a green flag from him. He is seemingly a guy on a mission to find real love with someone who is emotionally available and interested in a genuine connection rather than a little drama to get some air time. I think when applied to ourselves and partners, rather than a TV show, there are tons of ways to gauge this. Do you feel a desire to make things more complicated when things are going good? Is your potential partner clear in their needs and communicating effectively rather than irrationally when something goes wrong? It’s a good sign when there is healthy communication, no game playing and both parties seem to be moving forward at a steady pace rather than playing on emotional highs and lows.
2. You are looking for an equal, not a project.
This is a big one especially for us empaths. I feel like this is one I’ve had to learn the hard way too many times. Seeing someone for their potential rather than what they possess today. It is not our responsibility to heal anyone or help them develop into a fully capable partner. I believe the healthiest way to start a relationship is with two whole people. Two people who are invested in becoming the best version of themself and wanting to contribute to the development of a partnership.
3. Trust your gut.
This goes for much more than relationships. I truly believe that we are given something so powerful within us and when we are intune with ourselves, we can and should trust that gut instinct. When you see those subtle red flags pop up but decide to ignore them or make excuses because you’re excited to get to know this person still, you are doing yourself a disservice. We have intuition for a reason and when you feel like something is off, it is usually for a reason.
Check out the rest of the article for yourself and I would love to hear from you guys on what you see as red or green flags for yourself and potential partners when on the dating scene.
Lets inspire each other.
My goal is to create a space where we can connect, share stories, make new friends, find advice and grow together.
