A Little About Me

For my first blog post, I wanted to give you guys a bit of my back story. Who I believe I am and how I became this version of me. The first few of these I want to share some true insight to who I am.

At a young age, I moved from Virginia Beach to a small town on the coast of Virginia with my parents, brother, and two dogs. I remember being told after my first week at my new school, “At first, I thought you were really shy, but now I know you’re super weird.” It was a realization for me at a very young age that I in fact was kind of an oddball. I would do just about anything to make my classmates or teacher laugh, which included my self deprecating humor… Yeah, I started young with that. But I remember thinking, “If I can make fun of it first then they won’t have any ammo against me.” I won’t go into too much detail about this now but although this method helped me cope with some of my shortcomings through humor, I think it also hindered me a little later in life.

That aside, as far as childhoods go, I really do believe I hit the jackpot. I had two parents that loved each other and us as kids. We had a roof over our heads, played outdoors all hours of the day every summer, and my parents not only taught us about values but also lived them out as examples of kind people. It’s certainly not to say there weren’t tough times as a family or as individuals, but overall I was protected and loved.

Mental health was an open topic of conversation in our home. My mom was never shy to talk to us about mental health even at a young age. I was taught to protect and care for my mental wellness. She’s the reason why it has never been a taboo subject for me and I’ve known when in my life I’ve needed to ask for help myself. My mom instilled this value and belief in myself that I don’t think even she knows that she put there. My mom, Jeanbean as my friends all called her, is a big part of the reason why I believe with every ounce of who I am, that I am enough. My mom always hammered into my beliefs that we attract what we put out into the world. She taught me to offer a compliment in the face of a bully and see how it could change your circumstances.

My dad’s job took him away a lot throughout my childhood and I wasn't incredibly close to him at a young age, but as I grew up I realized we naturally had similar hobbies and interests. It wasn’t until I was a bit older that my relationship with him really developed into something very special. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized the sacrifice my dad made to give our family a life and opportunities that he never had. I think if there is anyone in this world that wants to see me live out my dreams, it’s my dad. Sometimes I feel like I owe it to him to never give up. Him believing in me has also instilled a belief in myself that I can truly go after whatever it is my heart is chasing.

My big brother Tommy was my arch nemesis for the first half of my life. We fought so much and so hard that to this day we look back and laugh until we cry about the actual danger we put ourselves in fighting that way. At some point we joined forces, realizing we would accomplish more (AKA get away with more) if we worked together. Today he is one of my greatest friends and biggest supporters, as am I to him. I cherish our childhood and friendship to this day.

Then of course there is my little sister, Barbara. We always say we are cousins by blood but sisters by love - which is technically true. Her dad is my dad’s brother and I didn’t really have a relationship with her until she moved from foster care in South Florida to live with my parents who later adopted her at 11 in Virginia. I attribute a lot of my growth as an adult to her.

At 17 I was chasing a scholarship from the NY Film Academy… I didn’t get the scholarship but I did land a scholarship to college at Lindenwood University and got a degree in Digital Cinema Arts. It was no New York Film Academy but I got my hands on equipment and learned a little about visual storytelling. But maybe more importantly, I was introduced to a ton of international students from all over the world that found their new home at Lindenwood. I LOVED spending time with the international students. I was from a small town and suddenly I’m at a school with people from all over the world. (Lindenwood’s international population was abnormally high compared to your average university.) At 19 I took my first solo trip to Panama City.. I stayed with students from school that offered me a place to stay. I traveled all over the country, swam in the Pacific, Atlantic, and the Caribbean all in one trip! I stood on the platform of the Panama Canal. I partied with locals on the beach of Portobelo until ungodly hours of the night! I left Panama wanting to see the rest of the world, taste all the foods, laugh until I cry with new friends and enjoy my life to the absolute fullest.

(a pretty horrible video of learning to surf in panama)

After graduation, like every film major I was immediately a waitress. I was also working as a production assistant on commercials. I was doing some serious bitch work, but I didn’t mind!

One day I was working one of my many jobs I found on Craigslist – this one had me selling Gatorade at Warped Tour. As I stood there in the heat of the 2015 summer with “Senses Fail” playing in the background, an intoxicated woman walked up to me and put her finger in my face and said aggressively, “You could be a Disney princess!” I said, “Thank you, would you like to buy a Gatorade?” She said, “No really, it’s a thing. Google it!” You know what? She actually changed my life at that moment. I went home that night and found out that Disney was casting for performers for their park in Tokyo, Japan and the audition was happening that weekend in NYC and I happened to be off. So I booked a $24 Chinatown bus ticket from Newport News, VA to Chinatown in NYC. I booked the cheapest place to stay and walked to that audition. I had nothing to lose! Girls were doing ballet warm ups, some in leotards, jazz shoes, slicked back dancer hair and warming up their splits. Meanwhile I’m in my worn out Nikes I’ve been wearing for two years and workout ‘fit from TJ Max. I held my head high, stood with great posture, I talked to anyone with a smile. I was open to just having an interesting experience regardless of the outcome. I don’t think I’m legally allowed to go into details of the audition but what I can say is that I faked it ‘til I made it. Within two weeks I had an offer in hand to move to Tokyo to work as an international performer. I was SHOOK.

Moving to Japan at 22 was the best thing that I could have done for my free-spirited self. First, Japan is very safe. I was a little reckless back then and I think Japan was the perfect country to learn about travel and make mistakes without serious risk or danger around. Second, I totally embraced their culture and I allowed it to shape me into a better human being. Japan is a culture that values respect, timeliness, and working your absolute hardest until you have nothing left to give.

As a free-spirited girl that spent most of my life worried about the day my luck would wear off, I learned about grit. I learned how it felt to be the worst performer in the room and feel that my job was on the line. I didn’t sit down on breaks, I requested extra help after rehearsals, I spent months practicing for hours on end until debut day and I showed up with a positive attitude and open to criticism every single day until I proved my value to my superiors. As the literal weakest link of the cast, I earned myself a contract extension into the next year as a mentor for the next cast of 40 performers coming from all around the world to work alongside us in Tokyo. My time in Japan was brutal. I didn’t come back for Christmas, Thanksgiving or any other holiday. For two years I spent time with a new “family” that I made and will always cherish. Not to mention while I was there I traveled to three countries and nine prefectures of Japan. I didn’t sit still the entire time I was there. I also took up Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu while there.

Jiu-Jitsu is something I took with me and continued to shape me as a person. I really dedicated myself to the discipline of the sport, and I was good. Not because of any natural ability, but because I was truly dedicated to the values that the sport instilled in its practices. I learned to quite literally fight for myself. I learned that strategy is far more powerful than physical strength. I could outsmart an opponent of the opposite gender and twice my size if I could out strategize them. As someone who has always been resourceful and strategic, it was like playing human chess where our bodies were the pawns.

I developed a mental and physical toughness from Jiu-Jitsu that I think prepared me for the next chapter of my life. I was heading into my Miss USA / Covid era. Well for me, I always thought Miss USA in 2020 would change my life or help me land my dream job. Life took a turn that year. With the pandemic and my dad battling a life threatening illness at the time, Miss USA became about getting through the experience rather than winning it. It didn’t turn out how I always dreamt it would but it certainly challenged me to find inner strength and self worth. I was so proud to walk away from that experience and just feel that I did the best I could. I knew the self growth from that year would shape me moving forward.

This pretty much brings us to the time frame before going on the show! I was actually dating a guy when I received an invite from a casting director to come onto The Bachelor. Producers had reached out the previous three years and it was just never the right time. I figured the same about last year – I was seeing this guy, I liked him and was super happy in my life. I didn’t feel the need to make any changes. But then I found out he was cheating on me. As you may know that gut wrenching feeling, it broke my heart into one thousand pieces. It hurt so incredibly bad, but I also knew that this guy was trouble and I honestly felt more silly for giving him so many second chances. So a couple days later, I emailed back my casting director and said, “I have had a change of circumstances. Are you still casting for the show?” It seemed like the perfect time to take on a new adventure.

Now I’m going to leave the blog post here for now. The next chapter of life was a WILD one, and to be honest I’m still taking my time to process what happened on the show, after the show, my relationship and so much more. That being said, it was one of the most interesting, beautiful, challenging and heartbreaking experiences of my life. I truly learned give and take, and what it felt like to live in a place of bittersweetness. There is so much more to say about it and I know I will take some time to divulge that experience. There were a lot of lessons learned and so much I am still reflecting on.

If you made it this far, I’m excited to share a little about what to expect moving forward. This will be a space to share some of my inner thoughts, life updates, reflections, and what I’m personally working on or growing through. I’m hopeful to build a community of people that are connected through common experiences, working on themselves, and wanting to cheer on the person beside you.

Let’s inspire each other.

Overcoming 2020