All of my relationships have left me better than they found me. Even the biggest heart breaks and lapses in loyalty from previous partners have taught me lessons on self worth. My first boyfriend taught me to trust my instinct and respect myself. The second highlighted where I fell short as a partner and showed me how to be thoughtful, kind and selfless. The third showed me what unconditional love from a partner truly looks like. But this most recent break up left me wondering what my takeaway would be, because it wasn't blatantly obvious off the bat.

As time passes, I’m starting to realize that my biggest lessons from this breakup may actually have been about understanding myself better and learning how to communicate my expectations. During this breakup more than any before, I have really “done the work” and I am still in the process of working through a lot of it. Towards the end of this relationship, I was in a pretty low place with myself. The people around me could see that my sparkle had dulled and I was far from thriving. Sure, I had joyous moments often, but deep down I was struggling and felt misaligned with the best version of me. I believe this was because I was trying to make something work that just wasn’t a natural fit. It’s emotionally taxing and not good for the soul. Not to mention, my Google search history was filled with questions like, “Can you love someone and not be compatible?” 😂 I’m really outing myself with that.. But, hey! We are getting vulnerable here. 

That being said, here is what two months of reflection has shown me.

1. Falling in love is easy, but staying in love is a choice.

Cliché? I think not. This is what I have found to be the truth. When I was on the show, I was asked daily, “Are you falling in love?” Even then, I really felt like that question was almost entirely irrelevant because I knew falling in love would be the easy part. My mom has told me for as long as I can remember that love is a choice. Over time, most of the butterflies settle down, and sometimes even the most romantic relationships start to feel a little mundane. The hopeless romantic in me is begrudgingly typing that out because I do believe in romance and keeping the spark alive! But both can be true and both are healthy. That being said, when you get to the nitty gritty of a relationship and the excitement of your new partner starts to become the norm, that’s when you realize that love is not just a giddy, wonderful and joyous feeling within you when you spend time with your partner. Love is deciding to work through conflict, communicate kindly, trust in your partner, and work on intimacy, emotional security and being there for your person when they are at the lowest of lows. 

2. Falling in love complicates everything.

What I found in my last relationship is that a partnership rooted in love alone doesn’t always have the building blocks to grow tall and strong. So before you go and fall in love with just anybody, keep in mind that finding a partner that aligns with you on those crucial foundation pieces will more likely set your relationship up for long-term success. This doesn’t mean shutting down a budding romance at the first sign of a difference of opinions. But if you fundamentally don’t align with someone, it’s better to know that upfront to decide if it is worth moving forward before your feelings and love grow deeper. This goes in line with the advice we all know and love to ignore: “Don’t date potential.” I believe that it is our responsibility to be loving partners and foster room for individual growth within our relationships. I don’t believe it should ever become our responsibility to grow someone up or into a person they aren’t quite ready to become yet. So yes, patience is a beautiful thing in relationships, but keep in mind people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves. 

3. Finally, the heaviness will dissipate.

Take a breath and read that again because I promise it will get better. We all know that feeling after a breakup when you have those sudden overwhelming moments that feel like a combination of anger, pain, anxiety, and sadness all at once. It is unlike any other kind of feeling and can be debilitating. When I was living out those dark moments, it felt like the pain would never subside. Suddenly I was experiencing this overwhelming emotional pain and the person I would normally have beside me through the tough stuff is no longer there. I remember feeling physically sick at times and wondering if it would ever get easier… Until one day, it did. The biggest game changer for me was realizing that I had to interrupt those thoughts in their path. When I started to feel overwhelmed or got the desire to check up on my ex, I would intentionally not engage with those thoughts. Our brain learns what is important to us based on which thoughts we engage with. Understanding this helped me more than any other piece of advice I’ve ever been given during a breakup. As I practiced being intentional with my thoughts/actions, it proved true. Even when those heavy emotions hit, they would go away more quickly than the time before. 

There is so much more good that has come from this breakup, for both myself and Clayton. I think ultimately we are both on our way to finding happiness within ourselves and our passions. I know for a fact that we both are rooting each other on from afar. Just because something wasn’t forever, it doesn’t mean it wasn’t wonderful.